Pushing Through The Cracks by Emily J Johnson

Taking a wee break from crime fiction, from fiction altogether, in fact, for today's entry on the blog. Published last year, Pushing Through The Cracks is an incredibly open and honest account of the worst four years of Emily J Johnson's life. Thanks to Kelly Lacey at Love Books Tours for inviting me and to the publisher for my review copy.

The Blurb 

Four years ago, Emily, a divorced mother of two, was living her best life with a new partner and blended family of six. But then addiction and mental illness entered her home uninvited, threatening to tear the whole family apart.

With an alcoholic husband and two teenage sons – one a depressed gambler and the other with chronic obsessive-compulsive disorder – Emily is left to cope alone. And when the Covid pandemic hits, Emily, a serial people-pleaser, enabler and born rescuer, almost breaks too.

This true story delves into the darkest sides of mental illness and addiction with raw, often harrowing honesty. It shines a light on taboo subjects including self-harm, suicidal feelings, gambling, alcoholism, depression, severe OCD and eating disorders, all exacerbated by an unprecedented global pandemic and dwindling support services.

This is a story of remarkable strength, self-realisation and reclamation of a lost identity. This is a story of finding hope, pushing through the cracks in the darkness.

My Review

At her wits end, crying in an alleyway behind her house in the darkest of moments, Emily saw a dandelion that had pushed through the cracks in the paving stones - it gave her hope. 

Wow, what a story! Pushing Through The Cracks is a memoir of a four year period in the life of Emily, her sons Thomas and Jack, and second husband Paul. In that time, mental illness has affected the whole family. Paul develops alcoholism, Thomas begins online gambling, Jack develops severe OCD and Emily who, as mothers - and women generally - do, tries to keep everything going, fix everyone and hold the family together, inevitably develops mental health difficulties of her own. It's a rough ride, and that's putting it VERY mildly, for the whole family, including Paul's two sons who are often present. 

As someone who struggles with her own mental health, Emily's story really resonated with me. Much was familiar, too - school refusals, attendance officers, school meetings, CAMHS, knife risk, social services, multi disciplinary meetings, frustration at the lack of support, wanting to fix everything but not knowing what to do, feeling like a terrible mum. My experiences were nothing like Emily's, nowhere near as extreme, but gave me some understanding and empathy. 

Emily's account is so honest, so raw, it makes for difficult reading at some points. The whole family was in such a dire situation and I admire the strength of all of them for coming as far as they have. It was sad to read of the difficulties in Paul and Emily's marriage, how they stopped being affectionate and intimate, became just like housemates. No one's fault, but Paul had his own difficulties and Emily focused herself on the boys. I felt so deeply for this family but young Jack just broke my heart. Emily's vivid description of Jack's OCD, how it affected him, her and the rest of the family are both horrifying and enlightening. I had a basic understanding of OCD but this really helped me see if more clearly. How Emily kept herself together over these years is beyond me - such strength. I know it has affected her, of course, but she made it. 

They all made it. But this is not a finished story. Healing for the family continues. But  the love, strength and resilience of all of them is incredible, even if the fight is ongoing. I am in awe of of them and of how far they have come and wish them the very best in the future. 

Pushing Through The Cracks is an intimate, raw look at mental illness, the effect on the individual and those around them. And for Emily's family that was multiplied. It's about trying to keep it together, about trying your best but making mistakes, about realising that it's not your job to fix it. And it's about finding a little hope and hanging on to it and about rediscovering yourself. Of course, due to the subject matter this might be a book that is too difficult for some to read. But, whilst Emily is unflinching in her descriptions of living with mental illness, this is ultimately a positive book - of hope, (ongoing) healing and looking forward. A very powerful read. 

The Author

Emily is a mother, author and advocate for raising awareness and improving access to mental health services. Having spent fifteen years living in Western Australia, Emily returned to the UK in 2010 and now lives on the south coast of England with her two sons and Billy - the family dog. Real and relatable, Emily continues to live and work around her family's ongoing mental illness whilst splitting her time between part-time work, full-time caring and any-time writing, whenever possible.